Today was rough. When I think about it, it was without a reason. It was just me being me. Overthinking, catastrophizing, cowering before people in positions of authority, trying to be non-confrontational, people-pleasing. Just being me. Like I said.
This constant mental struggle can be so taxing. Around 2:30 PM, I had become cranky, short-tempered. I had to even stop a meeting early to be able to freshen up a little before the next one at 3 PM. By 4 PM, I was exhausted.
The only saving grace was my morning swim. The best part of my day.
Is this mental condition due to being on dialysis for such a long time? Is it the seemingly impossible path to a kidney transplant and possible redemption? Or is it trauma from childhood? Or was I born this way? I wrote about this here recently. I still don't have answers.
My mindfulness practice helps me keep sane. But today, it was just not helping. It all started last night when I went down a spiral of negativity. Due to that my dialysis session was disturbed initially and I had to pop an additional half pill of Alprazolam to remain sane and get some sleep. Being on night dialysis and being sleepless is the worst combination ever.
These triggers are horrid. I do everything I can to avoid them. Refrain from checking social media before I I go to bed. Try to delay checking my phone until after I have had my morning cup and done with my ten-minute meditation. The allure of the phone though is sometimes too much to control. What a bloody good job these app makers have done.
Despite all those precautions, once in a way something happens which you have no control over. Absolutely none. And then boom - you find yourself sinking into an abyss with no hope for recovery. Only Alprazolam helps. And they say you can get addicted to it. You would need increasing doses for the same effect. Well, alternates anyone? Don't give me CBT. How would I do CBT while on dialysis? Don't do nocturnal, you say? Can't live without it.
Well, thankfully, it's not as bad as it sounds. My life is a blessing mostly. Such episodes are rare. I don't even remember how long back I had one. I am sure I should be back to normal tomorrow. Especially since today is No Dialysis Day! Yippee!
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